I feel the need to write and express some of my experiences from this past year. To be honest, I keep putting it off. I don’t usually put anything personal on social media for the public to read. I keep having that nagging feeling like God is prompting me to “do something” with the pain from this year. If you’re reading this, don’t expect perfectly written sentences or perfect theology. I’m not perfect so of course, my blog will probably have errors. You might not agree with me at all and that is okay too.

My cancer diagnosis of Carcinosarcoma (mixed mullerian tumor) came in September 2022 and quickly led to surgery at the end of the month. I knew something was not right during the summer, but once I got the diagnosis and had my first appointment with the oncologist things happened so fast I didn’t have time to process my emotions. This was probably a blessing in disguise! It gave me less time to worry. I saw the doctor one day and she said it was urgent that I have surgery ASAP. The mass had grown quickly and the amount of bleeding during the exam told her I was at risk of having a critical bleed. She arranged for me to have surgery the next day.

I spent about a month recovering from surgery before chemo began. Once I had surgery and realized how quickly the tumor had spread I was incredibly thankful I listened to my body and God’s promptings to have tests done. I was thankful the doctor worked me in for my appointment as quickly as possible and then pushed for surgery so quickly as well. 

I think from the outside it must have either looked like I was doing pretty well.  People made comments about how great I was doing. The truth was, I often felt numb. I sometimes felt disbelief or shock that I joined the “cancer club” and would have to go through chemo and radiation. I did experience some grief and sadness over my changing life, but my antidepressant kept those really low feelings from bottoming out. I knew I could never get through this on my own. I desperately needed God and people surrounding me in love. On my “good days” I was at work and did my best. I loved my students and was happy to see my coworkers. After rounds 5 & 6 of chemo my legs felt like jello and I could barely make it down the hall at school. I would get home and collapse into a chair. Cooking rarely happened when I got home. I did my best to still be present in the lives of my kids and attended some swim meets, concerts, and Senior year celebrations for Sophie. The rest of the time, I was just in survival mode.  

Chemotherapy weeks were really rough. The pain and weakness that came with it was awful and I couldn’t see past the day I was living. I was just begging God to get me through each day. Stronger pain medication helped but I also struggled to focus my thoughts and even my vision was blurry so I couldn’t read to pass the time.     

God was present this year and sent encouragement in so many ways. Many of those times of encouragement came through people he sent to encourage me. One friend sent me a card weekly for months. Other friends sent food, or gift cards, flowers, texts with songs, or just dropped by to say hi. God also just helped me get through each day and helped me to endure the pain during the week of chemo and the strength to show up at work and do my job the other two weeks of the cycle.  

I’m not a “super Christian” who spent hours a day in bible study and never faltered in my faith. I am a real person who has a “messy” life and many imperfections. I was certainly not “strong” but I learned 20 years ago that sometimes God can use me best when I am weak because then it is him at work through me. In the bible, Paul begged multiple times to have a thorn in his flesh removed and God didn’t answer his prayer how he wanted. 2 Cor. 12:9 Paul writes, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me.” I need people to know, I was not superhuman this year. I was not amazing at all. If anything good happened through me this year, it was all God. I was weak and a mess but God showed up in my mess. I am thankful to be here and I am thankful God works when we can’t. 

This summer has not been easy. I expected a fun summer of relaxing, but to be honest it’s been tough. Now that I am spending some time resting and being quiet I realize there is a lot to process and I have grief and fears to deal with. I still don’t understand why this happened to me. It feels like a bad dream.  

I recently heard a friend from church explaining suffering in a way that made sense. It’s not that God is “causing” bad things like cancer to happen to us. That is the result of our imperfect, fallen world. God does show up in the midst of those times of suffering and can use them for good when we let him use us.

If you haven’t given up reading this long, rambling blog of mine I hope you are encouraged. It’s okay if you don’t feel up to the challenge you’re going through. It’s okay if you’re mad at God or feel like you can barely get out of bed. It’s okay to be a mess.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and tell him how you’re feeling. It’s possible God is using you right now, even when you don’t see it.