I’ve been wanting to write a new blog but have been struggling to carve out the quiet time to sit down and think about what to say. My perspective is so different than it was two years ago. I’m incredibly thankful to be here now. I know that not everyone survives their first year of cancer.

Last year I was in the middle of chemo at this time. Chemo was really rough for me. The pain was pretty awful and I needed strong medication to get through it. I’ve also discovered that there are many things I simply don’t remember. I have almost no memories of last Christmas. I remember struggling to keep my eyes open for one gathering the week of chemo and having trouble seeing clearly.  I don’t remember much from the other gatherings that weren’t on chemo week either though. Somehow I still managed to shop for Christmas gifts, wrap presents, and make some cookies but I don’t remember most of it. I’m sure I had a lot of help. I literally saw a gift sitting on a shelf recently and had no memory of receiving it as a gift last Christmas.

This Christmas season I experienced some unexpected sadness and grief as I looked through pictures for some photo gifts I make each year. There have been difficult changes for people I love, difficult memories for me, and simply an absence of memories for me. I had almost no pictures of just Ethan and I, unless you count the ones at chemo sessions. There were fewer family pictures as well. I just didn’t feel well enough to do as much. Discovering that there are literally holes in my memories from last year is tough. I am thankful I was through chemo in time to have memories of some of the most important events for my girls. I do remember Sophie’s graduation, and Kaylea’s engagement and Senior recital in the Spring. I remember Sophie’s transition to college and Kaylea’s graduation this fall. I’m also thankful we had those events so I had a reason to take pictures to capture the memories. 

So, what is the purpose of this blog? Maybe it’s more of a personal journal to help me process the year. Maybe this blog will help someone else understand their loved one’s journey through cancer treatments. Some might ask, is chemo worth the pain? Would you do it again if it robbed you of so much? For me, the answer is yes, without a doubt. I might literally have holes in my memory of last year, but that chemo gave me the chance to live and make memories this year. I live with the reality that my cancer has a 50-60% chance of recurrence. Will I do treatments again if cancer comes back? The answer is YES. In August my scan looked like I had a recurrence and I shed more tears in a short time than I did the whole year before because I “knew” what to expect the second time. Thankfully, the scans were picking up a different health condition and NOT CANCER. I still live with the reality that it might come back but that’s not a death sentence. It just means more treatment. I will fight a second time if needed.

I’m incredibly thankful for the family, friends, and coworkers who stepped up and helped me in the last year. I’m sure there are many times I forgot to say thank you or didn’t even realize how you were helping me as I fought to survive. I want to say thank you for your help, even if I didn’t realize how much you did for me. I’m also thanking God for helping me through those awful days and giving me more time to live. I’m thankful he prodded me to ask my doctor questions and have tests run. Now, it’s time to make more memories. Happy New Year!